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(SATIRE) The Heroic Rise of Antifa at MSU

"In an interview, member Ima-ctu-Ally (Ally) Thefa Scist proclaimed, 'Whitey gotta pay.'"

Contributor: Thomas West


By now, it is a well-known fact the de-facto Commander in Chief of the United States of America is an avowed fascist. Heroic resistance groups have sprung up all across America in response to this fact. The newest of these groups has been the recently chartered MSU Antifa chapter.


Antifa has been defined by liberal controlled companies in the light of being “a political protest movement comprising autonomous groups affiliated by their militant opposition to fascism and other forms of extreme right-wing ideology,” as stated in the Oxford Dictionary, or activists [who] have aggressively confronted what they believe to be authoritarian movements and groups(adl.org).


Conservatives and right wingers often combat these definitions by calling antifa members silly things like, “violent” or “domestic terrorists.”


Such labels are ridiculous for this group of altruistic do-gooders, or so I thought.


To find out more, I personally entered the so called “dangerous streets” during the first MSU Antifa rally. Black hooded and masked, these club members flocked to and fro around me, hitting me with concrete filled “milkshakes,” punching and kicking my groin, and taking all my cash before pulling out a glass bottle and smashing it over my head.

Never before had I felt such hospitable treatment or gotten that much attention as a guest. They even took a man (who had told them he was straight) aside and tied him to a traffic pole before throwing bricks at his car. It is a great feeling to see that these college age kids have found something to be passionate about.


In an interview, member Ima-ctu-Ally (Ally) Thefa Scist proclaimed, “Whitey gotta pay.” When further pressed, Ally admitted to being 1/256 black and 1/256 hispanic before calling me a racist bigot and screaming, “F*** Donald Trump.”


Vice Dictator of Communications, Jane F. Eminist cited the statistic that 396 million women in the United States have been oppressed this year, and that at least 243 million of them have been sexually assaulted or raped. When asked where the numbers came from, she replied, “I dunno man, but like, I saw it in, like, the New York Times and it was, like.... like a statistic. Did I mention it was the New York Times? And that it was, like, a statistic? It was like, on a graph too.”


When asked for an interview, MSU Antifa president, Bernard K. Slanders declined to comment; however, later audio resurfaced recordings of his muffled voice saying, “We’re making a killing off these f****** idiot’s membership fees. Mwahahaha [evil laugh audible].” Why Slanders has an evil laugh is beside me.


Sometimes, we as human beings get caught up in a groupthink ideology; we sometimes need to take a moment and recognize what we are a part of. Are we part of keeping this nation great and unlocking America’s potential on a national and global stage? Or are we destined to continue attributing racism, sexism, bigotry, communism, and fascism labels to everything in order to promote our own agenda? All that I can conclude for sure is that Antifa knows how to serve up a darn good molotov cocktail.

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