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(SATIRE) BREAKING: MI Gov. Whitmer Calls Coronavirus “Chinese Virus”

Contributor: Thomas West

In a press conference Sunday evening, Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer referred to the COVID-19 as the “Wuhan Coronavirus” before quickly correcting herself. “I mean Chinese virus, wait, shoot, no, I meant Ebola,” she fumbled to say.

Promptly, she went to criticize President Donald Trump’s latest tweet, “spgghr,” because he reportedly dropped his phone on the bathroom floor and it sent a tweet. President Trump has not been found for further comment at this time.

Governor Whitmer was immediately awarded praise from the presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden, who tweeted, “Glad Michigan has finally gotten its Ebola crisis under control. Please consider voting for me for Senate in 2021.” Vice President Biden was found later that evening after a silver alert had been issued for him.

The weekend pandemic update was met with mixed emotions at Michigan State University. MSU had recently decreed the Chinese virus shall hereby only be referred to as the “novel coronavirus.”

MSU soon to be freshman Jen Stevens reacted.“Whatever it is, it canceled my senior year. Stay home for now everyone.”

Clay Lyon, a sophomore, was disappointed in the Governor, “She can’t just say ‘Chinese virus.’ CNN said that was intolerant.” When asked about CNN’s January and February headlines containing ‘Wuhan Coronavirus,’ Lyon declined to comment.

On the other hand, Dillon Kim, a junior, defended the Governor. “It simply is the truth. Whether she meant to say it or not, the facts are the virus emerged from China. Let us not forget the countless other diseases, for instance, Lyme Disease, from Old Lyme, Connecticut.”

From a faculty perspective, professor Leslie May commented, “It shouldn’t matter. Facts are facts.” She continued, “However the government and media react to this crisis, let our prayers be with those struggling everywhere to protect our families in the hospitals, those at home afraid, those who are separated, those who are working to keep national supply chains and local economies operational, and those whose loved ones have passed. We are truly part of history at this time.”

From me and everyone here at The Morning Watch, wherever you are, we hope you are staying safe and healthy.

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